A case of the utmost importance

You've probably heard of me. I am the foreigner who is trying to learn estonian and not just as an interesting way to pass my time and acquire some new knowledge. I am actually aiming to be fluent in the language some day. Of course, I know that what will most likely happen, if I get lucky, is me learning how to ask the way to the nearest toilet and not be forced to aliviate myself in an obscure corner of Haapsalu just because all the locals who understood english went to the Algarve on a cheap tour (all tours to the Algarve are cheap, in case you didn't know) to see what sunshine looks like. But maybe... one never knows... Maybe I will be fluent one day... if I live surrounded by estonians who don't speak any other language than their own for 20 years and am subject to electrical shocks everytime I mistake the genitive for the partitive.

What makes estonian so hard for foreigners trying to learn it, what turns this happy sounding language into the nemesis of language buffs, with the same reputation among self-learning enthusiasts as Marilyn Manson among the Biblical Society of Alabama, is the huge amount of cases. Come on... FOURTEEN CASES?!?!? Someone must have done it on purpose. Imagine a group of wise old estonians gathered in some forest clearing thousands of years ago roasting blood sausages, drinking keefir and being as cheerful as only estonians know how. Suddenly, one of them (the wisest of the wise) breaks the silence and says: "You know... no gender, handy little postpositions, logical pronunciation rules... this language is too easy... we must think of a way to change that. We don't want everyone speaking it, do we?"

After the initial shock, it's not as bad as it could have sounded at first. And, with a few exceptions, most cases are quite easy to grasp, though having cases called allative, ilative and elative is cruel, to say the least.

But why stop at fourteen? A few extra cases would make the language even simpler. Since I have nothing better to do, here are a few suggestions of name cases to be adopted by the estonian language in the near future.

Bullshitative-Used whenever the speaker doesn't mean what he is saying. Example: Ei kallis, selle nahast miniseelikuga ei paista sa üldse nagu paks hoor. (No honey, that leather miniskirt doesn't make you look like a fat whore at all.)

Pointlessative-The ideal case for sentences that serve no visible (or invisible) purpose. Example: Ma arvan, et kalasöömine on vähemalt sama hea kui nöörist ja moosist tehtud kookonis türgi luule lugemine. (I think eating fish is almost as nice as reading turkish poetry inside a cocoon made of string and strawberry jam.)

Annoyative-Used in a sentence that is meant to be obnoxious or generally annoying. Example: (Anything that comes out of Celine Dion's mouth when she is not singing. When she is singing, what comes out of her mouth is something very different. And with an unmistakable aroma.)

Oopsative-Ever had one of those moments in which you say something and only realise too late that you shouldn't have? That would be the perfect use for the oopsative case. Example: Kuidas su onu Erki elab? Ikka samasugune vana rõve peer? Oh...ta suri ära...suri vä? (So how is your uncle Erki? Still being a nasty old fart as always?... Oh... he died, did he?)

Moronative-The ideal case to use in those moments in which you have to say something stupid. It makes the immediate recognition of human stupidity a lot easier. Example: Sloveenia ja Slovakkia on kaks eri riiki? Suva. Ma nagunii ei võtnud koolis geomeetriat kunagi.(So Slovenia and Slovakia are different countries? I don't care. Never did like geometry.)