ALIVE!

Someone should take this blogthing and bring it back to life. Don't you think?

Conclave Shmonclave

Everytime a Pope dies, it happens. Cardinals are called from the four corners of the round world to form a Conclave. The Conclave members are then locked in the Sistine Chapel and aren't allowed to come out until they have elected one of them to be the next supreme leader of the Roman-Catholic Church. It has been like this for centuries. They call it tradition.

I call it something else. IT'S A FREAKIN' REALITY-SHOW! Get some cameras in there and let us watch the bloody thing!

The other one

Karol Wojtyla was born in Warsaw in June 1982. His parents were devout catholics and decided to name him after the polish pope, something the communist authorities of the time were not that pleased with. But being named after a celebrity had advantages too as young Karol soon discovered. As soon as he said his name out loud, people would stare at him wildly and, suddenly, he would get the best seats, the freshest fish, the smelliest cheese, the most loving smiles and the friendliest of head nods.
That is over now. And poor Karol is now considering changing his name to Brad Pitt.

Portuguese news update

That's right. You're all probably sitting there, thinking of creative ways to frolic in the snow, thinking that everything is nice and quiet BUT THAT'S NOT SO! And I will tell you why.
You see, there have just been elections in distant Portugal and this guy:



has been replaced by this other guy:



as you can see by the victorious, confident expression on his face (the other guy's photo is older, he now looks like a wreck with red eyes from all the tears). And you ask "Why the hell should I care?!" ... I will think of a convenient answer and come back later.

Brrrrr

The weather and the way people react to it is a curious phenomenon. Maybe our friends in Britain are right to adopt it as their favourite conversation topic. But don't think these wonderfully profound philosophical statements come to my mind just like that. They don't. I'm saying this because of something I saw on the news yesterday. All TV news shows in all portuguese channels decided to announce that a COLD WAVE was coming and that there was the remote possibility that temperatures could drop to almost 0. That's right, estonians, I did say "almost 0." And, of course, they interviewed people in the streets, scaring them to death, and did their best to spread panic. What modern society could live without the occasional outbursts of panic nowadays? And there were recommendations. I particularly enjoyed the one about "wearing warm clothes." Even though I was a bit saddened that I had to put away the bermuda shorts and sandals I was planning to wear today.
You probably are still laughing at the part about "cold wave" and "almost 0" and thinking we don't know what real cold is. And you're right. We don't. But that doesn't explain it. Nor is it just the media's fault (being true that they tend to do this kind of thing whenever there is nothing more shocking to talk about like tsunamis, terrorist attacks or a mother who has eaten her own son with ketchup sauce and mustard). The thing is, we portuguese like to panic. Not just be slightly worried about things like global warming, poverty, random wars breaking out all over the world. We like to run out waving our arms, pulling hair out of our heads, screaming as loud as we can that "WE ARE GOING TO DIE!" or "IT'S THE END! THE END!" It's part of our culture. If you know Fado, the portuguese national song, you will know what I am talking about. It's all about moaning, suffering, hurting, longing and other nice positive feelings like those. And we are lucky not to have a lot of things to panic about. So people take whatever is fed to them. Like an "almost 0 degrees" cold wave. They will dress like eskimos and go around saying to each other that it is real cold and that they don't remember it being this cold ever (which, of course, is not true because although temperatures don't drop below 10 that often, it happens every year).
Before the "cold wave" (stop giggling and go shovel some snow) people were panicking because it hasn't rained in months and farmers are starting to complain ("STARVATION! WE'LL ALL DIE OF HUNGER! HELP! HELP!") which is probably even a pretty serious problem, more serious than temperatures almost dropping to 0, at least. And then Summer will come and we will panic about how hot it is and how it never was as hot as that and how the heat will kill all living creatures in Portugal.
Today I woke up and looked out the window expecting to see everything covered in snow, people frozen solid, icebergs! Nothing. Just a bit of fog that will probably make us all wonder around aimlessly and fall down from high cliffs to a painful death. The weather forecast speaks of a maximum of 16 degrees and a minimum of 4 during the night. Brrrr...

A case of the utmost importance

You've probably heard of me. I am the foreigner who is trying to learn estonian and not just as an interesting way to pass my time and acquire some new knowledge. I am actually aiming to be fluent in the language some day. Of course, I know that what will most likely happen, if I get lucky, is me learning how to ask the way to the nearest toilet and not be forced to aliviate myself in an obscure corner of Haapsalu just because all the locals who understood english went to the Algarve on a cheap tour (all tours to the Algarve are cheap, in case you didn't know) to see what sunshine looks like. But maybe... one never knows... Maybe I will be fluent one day... if I live surrounded by estonians who don't speak any other language than their own for 20 years and am subject to electrical shocks everytime I mistake the genitive for the partitive.

What makes estonian so hard for foreigners trying to learn it, what turns this happy sounding language into the nemesis of language buffs, with the same reputation among self-learning enthusiasts as Marilyn Manson among the Biblical Society of Alabama, is the huge amount of cases. Come on... FOURTEEN CASES?!?!? Someone must have done it on purpose. Imagine a group of wise old estonians gathered in some forest clearing thousands of years ago roasting blood sausages, drinking keefir and being as cheerful as only estonians know how. Suddenly, one of them (the wisest of the wise) breaks the silence and says: "You know... no gender, handy little postpositions, logical pronunciation rules... this language is too easy... we must think of a way to change that. We don't want everyone speaking it, do we?"

After the initial shock, it's not as bad as it could have sounded at first. And, with a few exceptions, most cases are quite easy to grasp, though having cases called allative, ilative and elative is cruel, to say the least.

But why stop at fourteen? A few extra cases would make the language even simpler. Since I have nothing better to do, here are a few suggestions of name cases to be adopted by the estonian language in the near future.

Bullshitative-Used whenever the speaker doesn't mean what he is saying. Example: Ei kallis, selle nahast miniseelikuga ei paista sa üldse nagu paks hoor. (No honey, that leather miniskirt doesn't make you look like a fat whore at all.)

Pointlessative-The ideal case for sentences that serve no visible (or invisible) purpose. Example: Ma arvan, et kalasöömine on vähemalt sama hea kui nöörist ja moosist tehtud kookonis türgi luule lugemine. (I think eating fish is almost as nice as reading turkish poetry inside a cocoon made of string and strawberry jam.)

Annoyative-Used in a sentence that is meant to be obnoxious or generally annoying. Example: (Anything that comes out of Celine Dion's mouth when she is not singing. When she is singing, what comes out of her mouth is something very different. And with an unmistakable aroma.)

Oopsative-Ever had one of those moments in which you say something and only realise too late that you shouldn't have? That would be the perfect use for the oopsative case. Example: Kuidas su onu Erki elab? Ikka samasugune vana rõve peer? Oh...ta suri ära...suri vä? (So how is your uncle Erki? Still being a nasty old fart as always?... Oh... he died, did he?)

Moronative-The ideal case to use in those moments in which you have to say something stupid. It makes the immediate recognition of human stupidity a lot easier. Example: Sloveenia ja Slovakkia on kaks eri riiki? Suva. Ma nagunii ei võtnud koolis geomeetriat kunagi.(So Slovenia and Slovakia are different countries? I don't care. Never did like geometry.)